TRP: Hansel and Mishka (Vodka)
Coyote: 172, Directly after the Mishka/Goro scene in which Mishka confesses he loves Goro. As soon as Goro was gone, Mishka thought, I need to get really fucking drunk. And he made a beeline for his room. He grabbed the bottle of vodka he had stashed there-- his favorite, imported from Alabaster-- and headed back outside again. He wasn’t sure where to go. The roof, maybe? No one would look for him there. Then again, maybe drunk dragon sorcerers didn’t belong on the castle roof. Maybe. Joan’s room. He could ask her to get out, explain he needed somewhere to hide. Then again, she might tell someone-- like Hansel-- and Mishka didn’t want Hansel to know. He had zero desire to bother his husband with his petty fucking feelings, especially considering those feelings were about Goro. Mishka’s feelings were always so fucking inconvenient. If only he had… a switch or something to just flick them off. He walked down to the shrine. There was a big cubby about ten feet off the ground in a partially destroyed wall. Big enough to fit several people. Probably housed a statue at some point. Mishka climbed up the wall, then crawled to the back, out of sight. He popped the top off the bottle and took a long drink. Izzy: Hansel had been wandering idly around the castle. He did that, sometimes -- counting heads. Usually skipped Gwydion, because he was usually in the detached tower, and there was no casual way to check on him without bothering him. Seemed intrusive. Even at that, though, he realized he was coming up short of two specific people: Goro and Mishka. He entertained the idea that he might find them together, but it didn't seem too likely, at this point in time. Eh. Odd for them to both be absent, though. Not anywhere inside the castle, so he pulled on his coat to go outside, check the grounds, even though it was cold and gloomy out -- who knew with either of those two, honestly. Fuckin' idiots. A cursory check still didn't turn either of them up, so he did another sweep, checking the outbuildings more carefully, quietly calling their names. Thought about seeing if he could get Ombre to help him out, with some light spell -- and he bet Joan would have one of those, too. Both of them, maybe. Orcish eyes helped with the dark, though, and he thought he saw something out around the Eldath shrine -- up in the wall, almost out of sight. He only spotted it, he thought, because he got at just the right angle, happened to be looking when there was a bit of movement, a slight glint of moonlight off something reflective. Hm. Yeah. That seemed like the kind of place Mishka would hole up. Why ... would Mishka be holed up somewhere. He beelined for it. He wasn't panicking. He was concerned. There were easy enough handholds to climb up the wall and look into the recess, and sure enough, there was Hansel's husband, curled around a bottle of vodka. Hansel stared at him. He didn't much care for enclosed spaces, really, but he pulled himself up slowly to join Mishka, crossing his legs a couple feet away, trying to get a read on him. "Hey," he said carefully. Coyote: "Do you have a fucking compass that points to where I am?" Mishka said. Izzy: "Nah. It would make my life a lot fuckin' easier though. Those exist?" Coyote: "I've heard stories." Admittedly, Mishka had made up some of those stories. Izzy: "Hmm." Hansel moved closer, settling beside Mishka. "Any particular goddamn reason you made me come out here in the fuckin' cold and dark and crawl into a cave to do this?" he asked, and kissed the top of Mishka's head. Coyote: "I like to challenge you," Mishka said, and took another drink. He nestled into Hansel's arms, which was-- admittedly-- a lot warmer than the surrounding air. He stewed. The problem was, he wasn't sure what the rules here were. Wasn't sure he ought to talk about Goro with Hansel. He didn't want to affect their relationship; he wasn't part of it. Izzy: Hansel could grumble about how what he'd succeeded in doing was challenging Hansel's fucking self-control over fucking panicking, but -- he was actually fine. Hadn't even crossed his mind that Mishka had fucked off permanently. He'd just been goddamn worried about him. Still was, though. He pulled Mishka tight against him and kissed the top of his head again, thinking about his cold hands on the deck of the Blade, fist tight around his jeweled rapier, fingers braced to snap. "Anything else?" He tried to slip the vodka away to take a drink himself. Coyote: Mishka let Hansel take the bottle. He closed his eyes. For the first time in months, he thought about lying. He could say: Just mourning Asenka again. Something reminded me of her. That would be believable, and Hansel wouldn't question him on that. But months ago, Mishka had said: I'm not fucking lying to you anymore. And he had meant it. He was never lying to Hansel again, even when it was convenient, even if he privately thought lying was better. "Things have gotten weird with Goro," Mishka said. "I don't know if I should... tell you, though, or... talk about it with you. I don't know what the rules are, here." Izzy: Ah. Huh. ... Fuck. He took a drink and set the bottle down on his other side, nestling Mishka against him. "I dunno if there are rules," he said slowly. "But I want you to talk to me, if -- y'know, you think I can help." Gotten weird was fucking vague. It wasn't fair to assume Goro might've hurt Mishka, to demand what he'd done, but Mishka was the one obviously uncomfortable. On the other hand, Goro was fucking gone. Again. Somewhere. "Listen, I was looking for you both, and I didn't fuckin' find him," he said, to get it out of the way. "Did he do something fuckin' stupid like run into the goddamn woods again? I'll get Joan to go after him," he added. Mishka needed him. He could carry him up to the castle and find Joan and let her know without ever having to leave Mishka alone. Coyote: "Nah. He asked me to take him to the Sanctuary, so I did. Said he needed to visit Amari," Mishka said. "Must be a short trip if he didn't track you down and tell you first. If he decides to stay longer, I'll sure he'll send you a message." Izzy: "All right, good." Odd, but sure. They could talk about that later, when he got back. He nudged Mishka gently. "So?" Coyote: Mishka fiddled with the top from the bottle. He rubbed his thumb on the metal, feeling the texture of the bumps. “Couple weeks ago,” Mishka said. “I realized I was… sort’ve... in love with Goro. I realized it after he ran away that night.” Izzy: "Ah. Yeah." He hesitated. "I mean ... I noticed. Didn't want to say anything." Coyote: Mishka choked out a laugh. "Noticed? How?" Was Mishka just that goddamn blind? Izzy: "Fuck, I don't know, khochav." He shrugged. "Everyone on the goddamn Blade knew I was in love with you fuckin' years before I did. Happens, I guess." Coyote: "Yeah. Well. Good call, not telling me. I think I needed... time to figure it out." Hansel always knew what Mishka needed. Even without being told. “Well, anyway," Mishka said. "It... freaked me out a bit. Didn’t know what to do. Last time, when I realized I loved you, I… ah… may have over-reacted. I don’t like being-- vulnerable around people, y’know, I don’t like… feeling that way. Makes me feel weak. I was upset." Mishka looked away. "After he ran off, I realized I’d been in love with him a while. Longer than I cared to admit. Since that night on the ship, I think. It’d been building a while, but-- that was the first night.” Mishka felt vague and unfocused, like he was telling a story about someone else. “And I kept wanting to spend time with both of you. I kept wanting to invite you out to drinks, or lay with both of you, or talk with both of you…” Izzy: "Mishka," he said slowly, "you know that's not ... a fucking problem, right." Hansel kissed his temple. "I mean, I've been thinking about that shit too. Sounds fucking great, right?" He paused. "I get that it's fuckin' -- scary. But I'll be here whatever happens. If that helps." Coyote: “Yeah, well.” There was a bitter taste in his mouth. He wanted to believe that it was okay, or a possibility somehow, but that wasn’t fucking true, and he was fucking tired of wanting something he wasn’t going to get. “I don’t think he feels the same way,” Mishka said. “Sometimes when I’m with you, I’ll catch him watching us. He always gives me the same look. Like I’m-- taking something from him. He doesn’t fucking want me, Hansel. He’d rather have you by yourself. The three of us being together does not exactly excite him. It’s a compromise. Sharing you with me isn’t his ideal, it’s just the best he figures he can get. And--” He stopped there. Every time it happened, it felt like someone kicking him in the ribs. “And I couldn’t stand it.” “Anyway,” Mishka said. “I… tried to deal with it on my own. I knew he didn’t feel the same way about me, so I… tried to deal with that in a healthy way.” Mishka wasn’t sure what ‘healthy’ was, but he was trying to figure it out. “I let it go. I gave up, and I let it die, I mourned, and I moved on. I started avoiding him. I wasn’t trying to punish him or cause a problem, I just-- needed to… distance myself. Take care of myself. Do things that made me feel better. Learn to cope on my own.” Mishka’s eyes were distant again, and he looked away. “It went good. I felt better. I felt calmer.” He paused again. “He noticed, though,” Mishka said. “And he asked me why I was avoiding him. I didn’t want to just-- ditch him. I didn’t want to leave him the way I left you. I’m so fucking done hurting people, Hans. I don’t want to do it anyone. So I was honest, and I told him I cared about him too much and I needed to distance myself a bit to calm down. And he said-- he said I didn’t know how much he fucking cared about me.” Mishka did know, though. He knew precisely the amount Goro cared about him: he’d categorized every action. Goro loved him enough to fight a dragon for him. Enough to risk his life trying to resurrect Mishka. Enough to treat him gently. Cradling him and kissing him during sex. Whispering: I don’t want to hurt you. Show me how you want me to touch you. And yet so little he’d leave Mishka without a second thought. So little he’d threaten to kill Mishka the moment Mishka seemed dangerous to Hansel. So little he’d rather have Hansel alone. There was no use talking it out. Their relationship couldn’t be summed in words. It was the sum of everything that had happened between them: the sum of all lies and truths. Every cut and every kiss. Every threat. Every promise. Mishka knew precisely the amount Goro cared about him. He tallied it every night before bed.(edited) Izzy: Hansel didn't think Mishka had this right. He tried to figure out how to say that, and was quiet for a while, holding Mishka, lips against his hair. The fucking thing was, Goro had sought Mishka out in the first place. He'd kept doing it. He'd thrown himself into saving Mishka from Diva so heavily that he hadn't seemed to think twice about using the fucking suicide wand on him. Hansel remembered Mishka telling him about Goro calming him down, when Hansel and Raef had gone inland for booze. He certainly fucking remembered Goro finding out about the jade pendant and bringing Mishka to him. He remembered the way Goro had looked at Mishka on the island, how he'd asked Mishka to come back, quietly, in Elvish, after he'd used his safeword and spooked Mishka. On the ship, how Goro had obediently curled against Mishka that first night in the captain's quarters, carefully taken his rapier off him, and Mishka had let him, and Hansel had thought huh. How Goro had been the one to ask him to come to bed at all, before Hansel had even been able to. How they'd all gotten more comfortable every night they'd spent together, and Goro had stopped trying to slip away, and Mishka had actually fucking slept. And how fucking immediately Goro was on the same page about killing the dragon, spending his vacation in Calimport trying to figure out how, and how he'd held Mishka's wrist and kissed his hand, leaning across Hansel's lap. He was pretty goddamn sure that Goro was in love with Mishka, too, but he didn't know if he was supposed to say that. "Ahuvi," he started. "You're not ... Listen. You're not a fuckin' compromise. Goro --." Hm. How to put into words something that he'd only realized instinctively. "He's fucking scared of losing me, like I'm fucking scared of losing you. It's fucking desperate and needy and terrified and it ain't fuckin' rational. He's just ... No one ever fucking treated me right, before you, and I think -- I mean, I don't have to fucking think, I know he thought he'd just always be alone before I came along, and it's fucking awful having that and having someone take it away from you." Hansel didn't know if Mishka could understand that. He liked to think that Mishka felt the same way about him, but he still had a deep-down stony pit inside him that refused to believe it was possible. Goro had that. He felt it every time Goro grabbed onto him and held on like he was afraid if he let up for a second, Hansel would vanish with a crack. "I know jealousy's not fucking pleasant, but he's -- scared, is all. If you'd had someone in your life, when I met you, and I thought -- I could never match up to them, I'd've been fucking scared and resentful too. But --." He shifted to hold Mishka's face, make him look at him. Fuck it. "Mishka, he fucking loves you. He's probably fuckin' scared of losing you, too, and -- I dunno if he knows how to -- deal with that. He told me -- when he got back from Calimport, he said the same thing, he said he thought he cared more about me than I did about him, and he thought I would break his heart, and -- I had to convince him I wouldn't. I'm still fuckin' trying." He laughed weakly. "I mean, fuck, that's what it's like being in a relationship with me, right? Constant --" he kissed Mishka quickly -- "fucking --" again -- "reassurance." A third time, then resting his forehead against Mishka's, closing his eyes. "He needs ... help, I think," he said, quietly. "You -- you pull away. That's real fuckin' scary. I know it's not your fault, my love." He stroked Mishka's hair. "But it probably made him think you didn't care about him. He doesn't want to fucking be vulnerable, either, so, y'know. If you both get spooked and pull away you're just gonna both be goddamn lonely." He drew back again to look at Mishka. "Am I going to have to just fuckin' tie you two together and make you talk about your goddamn feelings, 'cause I'll do it, y'know." Coyote: Mishka kept trying to say things and-- not quite being able to manage it. He wanted to say, I’m already fucking lonely. I’ve already been as vulnerable as I can. I’ve already been as honest as I can. I keep trying not to pull away. I keep fighting it. I’m tired. I can’t keep fighting. He closed his eyes, exhausted. “I know you’re right.” It didn’t matter, though. The things Hansel was saying ought to make him feel better, but they didn’t. Mishka felt nothing. “I’m just out of plans, neshema. And I’m not you. I kept telling myself I could be. But… I’m not.” He rested his face against Hansel. “I don’t know what to fucking do,” he whispered. “I don’t want to think about this anymore. Tell me what to do.” Izzy: Hansel's heart broke, a little. "Okay," he said softly. He kept petting Mishka's hair, and kissed the top of his head. "Okay. We're gonna go back to the castle, and I'm going to hold you until Goro gets home, and then we're all going to sit down and talk about this. And it's going to be all right." He crushed Mishka against his chest for a long moment, as hard as he could. "I promise, my love." Coyote: Mishka breathed a little easier. He kept his face pressed to Hansel’s shoulder. Stayed there, warm and safe and quiet. “Ah,” he said. “You should… probably have all the fact first.” He cleared his throat. “I already set things in motion. I talked to him today.” His hand tightened in Hansel’s shirt. “I asked him if-- you know, if there was a reality without me in it, or a reality where you and I weren’t together, and he had you all to himself, if he’d prefer that. I asked him to take truth serum. I said he didn’t have to answer, and I would… wait for him to decide. And that’s when he left.” Mishka cleared his throat. “I don’t think we should ambush him. And I’m not sure if you should-- be there.” He looked away. “I’ll leave it up to you. I’m just worried you’ll try to fix things.”(edited) January 18, 2019 Izzy: "All right," Hansel said slowly, "well, that's not a fair fucking question to've asked someone. I mean ... fuck, Mishka. I'm not surprised he left. Eldath." God, he had no idea what that must've done to Goro's head. He wanted to go fucking check on him, but that'd mean going to the Sanctuary, and -- he would be with Amari, and Hansel told himself Amari could probably do more for Goro than he could, anyway. God, though. It put a bitter, self-centered feeling in his gut -- the feeling that Mishka must not feel for him the way he felt for Mishka, or Mishka would know better than to ask something like that. The ugly, uncomfortable emotions it'd churn to the surface, the shit he knew he wasn't supposed to feel, and didn't let affect his behavior -- except on his worst days -- but still felt. He wasn't sure what to say to this, either. "What'd you ... I mean, what'd you fucking think that was gonna accomplish?" He was trying to wrap his head around it. "If you asked me that and there was another person in the picture for you, and they were fucking married to you before I ever got there, and I thought you'd always take their side and I'd never matter as much -- I'd get rid of them in a goddamn heartbeat. No question. It's fucking greedy and it's not noble, but swear to god, under a fucking truth serum, I'd do it." He pulled back a little. "But Mishka, he fucking loves you. You just fucking asked him if he'd get rid of a person he loves who's been avoiding him in favor of getting more from a person he loves who fucking ... pays attention to him. That's not goddamn fair. You stacked the deck in a way that both of you fuckin' lose. "Listen -- god, I love you so fucking much, y'know? But don't play your goddamn games with my boyfriend. Don't fucking -- don't fucking twist him around like you did to me. Don't fucking hurt him. If you want him, just fucking tell him, don't fuck with his head." Try to fix things? At this point it seemed like he needed to be there to make sure Mishka didn't say anything that would fuck Goro up irreparably. Coyote: “Alright,” Mishka said in a low voice. “Hansel. That thing you said. How… how if there was another person in the picture for me, you’d feel jealous, and you'd get rid of them in a heartbeat. I understand that, beloved. I do. I don’t think the way he feels is wrong. In that analogy-- if I already had a husband, and you resented him-- I would love you as much as possible. And I’d reassure you as much possible. And I would stay with you, and I would understand.” “And in this situation we are currently in,” Mishka said. “Where you are the object of desire, and Goro is jealous. I understand why he resents me. And I want you to love him as much as possible. I want you to reassure him as much as possible. And I hope you stay with him. Do you understand?" Izzy: Mishka's tone rankled him a bit. "Yeah. I fuckin' understand that." Coyote: “In that analogy of yours,” Mishka said. “Where I already have a husband and you’re the newcomer. I wouldn’t ask my husband to do the same, Hansel. I wouldn’t ask my husband to hold and kiss and reassure someone who resented him.” Izzy: "You realize I'm not fuckin' asking you to do that, right?" Hansel said. "I'm telling you that Goro loves you. I don't think he fuckin' wants to resent you. I'm telling you there's a fuckin' solution here where no one resents anyone, but I'm not asking you do anything." Coyote: “I know Goro loves me,” Mishka said quietly. “And also, at this moment in time, he resents me. And I don’t want to be in a relationship like that. That’s what I’m saying, Hansel.” Not neshema this time. Not Hans. “I want him to come to me,” Mishka said. “And I want to talk this out with him. I’m not going to abandon him or turn my back on him even if he says yes, he’d get rid of me. I told him the question. I said I understood if he didn’t want to answer. I said he could take his time. And I stand by those things. It’s going to be okay, alright?” Maybe Mishka should have said other things, too, though. Maybe he should’ve explained: It’s okay if you say yes. I’m not going to abandon you. I want to talk this out. Take your time, and come to me when you’re ready. “It’s going to be okay,” Mishka said. “Do you want me to take you to the Sanctuary so you can talk to him? Or... he’s been gone an hour or two. He’ll probably be back soon.” Izzy: Hansel was quiet for a long moment. Then he moved again, towards the entrance to the alcove, and held a hand back to Mishka. "All right. C'mon. We're going back to the castle." Coyote: Mishka’s skin was prickling. He hated conflict. He wanted to get out of it— move away, pull the crossbow bolt out, resolve it. He took Hansel’s hand, though, and climbed out of the alcove. “We could ask Roddy to send him a message. You can tell him you heard he was upset and wanted to check if you needed to come get him.” Izzy: "Do you want me to?" Hansel asked, pulling Mishka against his side, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. Coyote: “Yes. I want him to feel better, and I want you to feel better, and I understand if you’re angry at me.” He figured he hadn’t won this. Hadn’t changed Hansel’s mind. Izzy: He shook his head. "Not angry at you. You wanna talk to Goro, I want you to talk to Goro." He kissed the top of Mishka's head. "I just want you both to be happy. Same side. Okay? Just not gonna fuckin' get anything done, me trying to explain shit to you and you trying to explain shit to me. If Goro's not home yet, I'll ask Roddy to Send for him. We'll get it sorted out." Coyote: “Alright,” Mishka said, shifting uncomfortably. He made himself relax. He needed time to settle down. “Alright.” He could go help Sugar with dinner— she’d really taken to cooking, found it fascinating, made her own recipes. He kissed Hansel’s shoulder, because it was all he could reach from this angle, and wrapped his arm around Hansel’s waist. They headed back to the castle. Izzy: END Title: Vodka. Summary: Hansel finds Mishka hiding out and getting drunk after a weird, brief conversation with Goro. They talk about it. Category:Text Roleplay